[note: this is a letter that i wrote to comma, a close friend of mine, who was eagerly seeking his epiphany in south korea. i think it is a good example of what i expect out of life today...]

I've spent a good portion of my life traveling. At least I liked to call it traveling. I think it was more on the lines of running. Running from this or that. Running from the police running, from my past. Running from myself. Not really traveling. I was going, always going somewhere, usually getting pushed along with the current, rather than making any real decisions myself. Still to this day I seem to be getting pushed along downstream, but today it is different. Today I like to think of myself on top of the water, floating through life, lazily watching the passing scenery. As opposed to surviving one rapid after another. Maybe I don't know it yet and there is a waterfall just ahead, but for now, right now, the view is great.

I've found peace today, and honestly, I think that is what I was looking for all this time. Running around frantically trying to find peace. It was never going to happen. I had this idea that there was something really great just around the corner, and if I could only get there fast enough I could catch it. I had no idea it wasn't until I stopped running and took a nice long, honest, look at myself, was I going to find anything at all.

My travels are smaller today. Maybe smaller was the wrong choice of words, shorter. Not necessarily shorter in distance, but I definitely don't have to physically go as far. Sometimes I travel all the way to my mailbox at the end of my driveway. Oh what an excursion that can be. The things you can see if you only take the time to look. Today I am buried in a foot of snow. So realistically, getting the mail at all, may just be impossible. Not impossible, but it might take a little bit longer.
I'm not afraid today. that is such a wonderful feeling. The universe is on my side. Actually, I guess I am more on its side. It was so much harder the other way. Fighting the universe, that struggle to be someone, something, an individual, when all it wanted me to do was give in. Give up. Give up fighting and join the party. Join the party of life. It really is a beautiful scene. Who would have thought, you have to lose to win?

I can remember the day I gave up. I gave up trying to be someone that I was not. Gave up seeking things, that are freely given, if only you ask. Total surrender. I prayed that day. I got down on my knees and prayed. It had been so long. I prayed and said, "Thank you, thank you for taking me back. Thank you for keeping me alive. Thank you for showing me your grace and mercy. Who am I, to deserve so many chances?" That was such a great day. The sun was shining.

Now its like, I can go anywhere and I can go nowhere, and its the same place. The people may look a little different, or dress in some different clothes. The sun may be a little hotter or the air may be a little more humid. But really, its all the same. It's still me, soaking it in. Its still me peering through the same eyes as before but somehow it is different now. Somehow everything has been painted with a little bit of wonderful.

I don't know the difference between madness and sanity. I hope that what I am today, is sane. But there is always this little voice that keeps telling me I'm not. And just for the fact that there is a little voice telling me anything at all, well, you know, that might be a hint. But, that dark despair, and confusion, ugh. No thank you. That one is no longer for me. That fear. Fear of anything and everything. Really, I was afraid of myself. Afraid of what I could become. Afraid of what the universe had to offer. So I ran, and called it travel. Traveling I was, movement through space and time. But I'm still doing that. We all are, whether we like it or not. Today I travel. I pack a backpack and a duffel bag. I go to the airport or the end of my driveway, preferably the end of my driveway, because then I might get some mail. Send me some mail. It makes my travels so much more productive:

dusty
2900 Tompkins road
Medina, OH 44256 USA

don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that I don't like to go somewhere new. I'm not saying that I don't enjoy standing in a sea of people feeling like I am at the Star Wars space bar. I'm not saying that I don't enjoy expanding my cultural horizons. I am saying that I don't have to be standing on top of (insert your favorite dramatic peak) to be perfectly grateful. For gratitude truly is the answer to most of my problems. Just a touch of gratitude can throw me into the most gracious of spaces. Example you say?

A burned out hovel. Not figuratively speaking either. Literally, a building blacken by fire, soaked and rotten, filled with the smell of shit. A mattress over in the corner, host to lice and junkies and vermin. Dark, of course no lighting, no electricity, and cold. Cold and wet, puddles, muddy puddles fill the floor. A teenage prostitute has been living there a month, because she's lost and confused...
STOP. Where is this going? O.K...

Where to start? How about where it, it being life, begins, with a breath. Take a deep breath. No, stop reading. Take a deep breath. <deep breath> Did you take a breath? Only after taking a breath may you continue...

That, was a gift. That little breath you just took, was a gift. A gift from the universe. Now with that breath you get oxygen to your brain, so that your brain can tell your heart to beat, so that your blood can flow to your fingers and toes and the sockets of your eyes, so you can see. Now if just a breath is a gift, how much greater is the gift of sight? Use your fingers and toes to interact with the world around you. Who cares what it is, and what is going on, it is all a wonderful gift. A wonderful gift to experience. Now at some time we may start to wonder if where we are at in the here and now, is really where we want to be? This is but a passing moment, however many eternities it may seem to be. It too will float by, much like the good times that we forget to notice. And then, in hindsight, we can remember that great waterfall that we floated over, and how perilous those days were, and how much stronger we are today because of them. Be grateful for that moment sleeping on the rotten mattress. Be grateful for the eternal broken heart. It is these days that make the mailbox oh so much more inviting.

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