Don't wait any longer.
Don't wait until your in jail
without any options for years
or in the hospital
with liver failure or AIDS
or dead,
self explanatory.

What are your options?
The pros and cons
Rehab
Seems to be an easy answer.
Con is that it is very expensive
Thousands of dollars
four, ten, FOURTEEN!
but how much does being high cost?
fifty, one hundred, two hundred
the quality of every day
over sleeping, lack of sleep, malnutrition,
no memory of anything I have done.
Aggravated and fighting all day long
fighting about everything.
We're not fighting really
most of the time I don't even know
what is said, I don't care to know.
If I answer or make a comment back
it is wrong and we fight about it.
I've found it's best not to answer at all
she yells about that for a little while and eventually tires fighting with herself.
She thinks I'm ignoring her
but I silently listen
to complaint after complaint
after complaint
she's doing it now
"Fuckin'-A, *Ughh*, Geez!"
while pulling up the units
It's not right
something is definitely wrong
the relationship is broken
it may be able to be fixed
but I'm not sure I want it to
I think back to when we got together
and don't remember being to stoked on it then
I know I need some time alone
quiet, sober, alone time
why is that so expensive?
some time to reflect and make some decisions
I can't stand her
I don't like anything about her anymore
every action she makes is wrong
which obviously isn't true
but I can't help it anymore
I've been overcome with hatred
and such a beautiful shining woman
to hate is wrong.
I can't help it
maybe I'm displacing anger
or possibly she's a bitch
or both.

gotta go...

I'm back...

Afraid.
I guess that is the best word to describe how I feel. I don't know what to do. I feel like I've boxed myself in, unable to forward, even backward, just slowly sinking down. There is no joy in my life. I'm not saying there can't be I'm just saying that right now I feel no joy. Actually I feel no emotions, joy and sorrow both are suppressed by the drugs, just fear. Fear of what the future holds. I don't want to, I can't let anyone down again. I try to get up on my feet and fall. Fall down into this hole. What if I fail? Stop. You've beaten yourself before you begin. How many times have you done this. That is why you sit in here.
Let the words flow let your ideas and emotions go. As you stop and stare at the keys not knowing what to say. You sit and think of all these things all day and when you go to put them down to look at and maybe come up with a plan you can think of nothing. Every morning you wake up screaming, once again afraid. Afraid of what the day may bring, afraid of how far you have let it get out of control. You don't do anything until you have some drugs in your system to help you forget about how much you have to do. Then you spend the rest of the day trying to get away from anything that comes up. I may not be in a hole I may be running away.
Hunt is an overbearing demon. I hate to place blame on her. I'm not. I take full responsibility for my actions, but she is too much. It is a full time job dealing with her. If I am not paying full attention to her she starts throwing some sort of fit so that I have to. She has no other friends, or tries to focus on any other people other than me. It is scary, I need space, I need to be able to breathe and see myself, me again. Although getting away from her seems just as hard. I feel I have nowhere to go. I know I can go home to my family, and that might be a good idea, and I'm sure there are people out there that I will be able to see once the drugs and her strangle hold are unleashed. She gets angry, jealous if I talk to other people for too long. She says she wants me to hang out with other people and then complains violently if I do. No one other than the lowest of dregs come over to the house anymore. My social circle has been reduced to the lowest of drug abusers and dealers. I don't blame others for not coming around, I'm sure it is sad to see me this close to the bottom. My food today has consisted of a can of coke and some candy. Aghhh, everything I do brings me back to her. She just looked over my shoulder and I yelled to get away. Everything she does seems to be wrong. I know this isn't so, I'm sure she is trying for the best, and is clinging to me, four paws with nails dug in, drawing blood. Suffocating. I know she is afraid too. But she is afraid to be alone, as we all are. She is afraid I will leave and this makes her cling tighter, try harder, driving me away further. She does love me. If that is what love is, she loves me. But if I were gone she would quickly find another to love. Someone with healthy habits to bring her in the direction she was flowing before me. Another reason I feel like I am bad for her. I feel I am soiling her. She will follow me to the depths of hell just to be with me. Is that loyalty or psychosis? I know that if we were to break up she would rise like a weather balloon soaring high, fuck higher breaking right out of this atmosphere shooting across the cosmos like a burning star. She just needs someone to push her in the right direction.
But I do soar, don't I? Do I? When I'm sober, for those brief moments, I become this...
damn, just like Hunt this cosmic powerhouse. Nothing can stop me. I keep writing to balance myself. Nothing can stop me except for fear. Fear of failure, so I intentionally self destruct. I push the button so that I, boom, can't succeed. I know that button is drugs. Push here for definite failure. I know needles take you there quicker than anything else. But the others are just slower paths to the same. Smoking, drinking, pot are all going to lead you downhill, just not a quickly as some of the other drugs. And what do I do if I'm not self destructing. Sitting in a room with a bunch of guys telling each other how we will self destruct if we leave this room.
I live in paradise why don't I feel like it?

...later
back to the self destruct. If I don't self destruct what will I do? Where can I go? Work a little job, getting yelled at by my boss, no. Some manual labor job, slipping plastic o-rings onto jumbo fucking widgets, or crunching numbers counting the number of times the gerbil eats a pellet. There are jobs that are rewarding. There are things you like to do. For a short amount of time. Then my interest changes, and I'm still doing this thing that was fun six months ago and now its driving me crazy, in the mean time I've started drinking more and I start to slip up on that. I need to find something that I can be really proud of. Something that will bring me continual joy. Jesus. Jesus old bud. Can you lend a brother a hand? You've been there for me before. Are you a you, or just that cosmic trip that pushes along if we listen. I guess your the same thing. You just have a name. Its you, when I listen, that bumps me this way or that, always in the right direction. It's you that no matter which way I turn, it always ends up right. And its you that says you can go out and do heroin, but I'm sorry I can't hang with you if you do. I'll stop by every now and then, and of course I'll be there if you really need me, but you know what I like, and don't like, and your free to choose anything you want. I love you kiddo. I'm your best friend... What's up though? Do I have to go to church to hang? I don't know, find out for yourself.

9.26.2000

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